Ending one path and entering another....

June 30, 2012 Today officially marks the end of my postdoc fellowship. I am grateful for the opportunity to gave more confidence as a teacher and researcher before entering the big leagues. Now, is the time my "tenure" clock begins -- the start of being in a probationary period for 5-6 years! So, here I enter a new path. Some people would stay that I finally arrived to all the pleasantries that I aspire to achieve. I have to be honest and say that I just kept walking and did not realize this path was part of my journey. So, let the journey begin!

2010 Lesson #1: If it walks like a duck, and it talks like a duck, then it is a rabbit!

I cannot believe that there are 30 days remaining in 2010. Time has gone by so quickly. I remember on January 2 I was sitting in my parent's home wrestling with my dissertation...wondering if I was going to ever finish that darn paper. And now December 2, I am sitting in my living room thanking God that that darn paper is behind me, but I am wrestling with another document! It just proves that pain does not last always, but some things remain the same.

Reminiscing the events that occur this year made me think of several key lessons that I have learned and definitely continue to learn as I grow and mature as a person, as a professional, as a child of God. I thought that I should commit at least 15 minutes each day to blog for the next 30 days about major lessons I learned in 2010. Some of these lessons may be controversial, some may be life changing. Either way, I am becoming a little more comfortable with not needing to be perfect in everything, but to appreciate where I am in the present moment.

Lesson #1: If it walks like a duck, and it talks like a duck, then it is a rabbit!

Say what! This statement is contrary to what I heard as a kid. Most people would say, "if it walks like a duck, and it talks like a duck, then it is a duck." I am not totally abandoning this concept. For example, it a person is crass, rude, and inconsiderate, then we should come to the conclusion that a person is crass, rude, and inconsiderate. However, there are times that people show you what they want you to see. I think Paul Laurence Dunbar says it best:
"We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

I have seen this practice more in my professional circles. I realize that many people do not want to hear my struggles and insecurities, even if I am being honest. And yes, many people prefer more extraverted personalities than introverted ones. Over the years, I have learned to "appear" more extraverted. In fact, I would be a millionaire for the number of times someone tells me that I have a gift of connecting with people and making people feel comfortable. I always laugh when someone makes this observation and I tell them that I am truly intraverted. In reacting to my statement, the person laughs and dismisses my honesty. Perhaps because the evidence that is seen does not matches what I am telling the person. Well...I have learned that people respond more to an outgoing person as opposed to one who is inward and quiet. Especially in a profession that requires me to communicate and interact with different people, I was not getting very far being intraverted. So, I learned to be more extraverted in interacting with people. There is the "mask", at least a temporary mask, that people see. The duck. Deep down, I appreciate the time that I have to myself so I can recharge my soul, refocus my thoughts, and renew my sprit. The rabbit. In all honesty, the "mask" is just an outward expression on the compassion that I have for people and my desire to help others. Yes, there are many challenges that accompany this passion...some of these challenges have led to many nights where I have shedded a tears in which the "mask", the rabbit, appears. Sensitivity, tenderness, and yes introversion. But, I but the "mask" back on the next day in hopes of being a bright spot in someone's world.

The good news is that I am learning to appreciate the special people in my life who like the rabbit in me. These are the people that I can take the mask off and be me. Therefore, I need not waste my time become anxious about people who not desire to get to know me. I can celebrate in the people that God places in my life so my heart is perserved and I have even more strength to face the challenges that I face in the world. But this strength that I manifest to the word is courage, hope, and faith instead of fear, despair, and sorrow. Yes...not a duck...but a rabbit!

Seasons Change

Three months ago, I celebrated my new status as a PhD. Now, I am enduring the challenges that comes with becoming a professional with this new status in an environment where tough skin is a requirement. Failure is inevitable. I experienced the satisfaction a person would feel when reaching the top of a mountain peak after a hard, long climb in one season. Now, I am experiencing the angst that comes when realizing that one did not see the mountain peak hiding behind the first one. The climb up the second peak is just as tough. It's curvier, have ice and snow along the path, and even some wild animals that look dangerous. Some of the tools used to get the top of the first peak are needed to conquer the second peak, but a new set is needed. Without a pit stop or resting lounge in sight, where is a climber suppose to pick up these tools?

A climb up a mountain peak in the summertime is very different from a climb up a mountain peak in autumn, and especially more treacherous in the wintertime. Although there are elements to contend with in each season, some of these elements may be preferred over others. Personally, I prefer cold weather instead of hot, humid weather. I prefer to see the wild animals so I can avoid them instead of the annoying mosquitos that buzz around my head and bite me without warning.

The good news is that I am familiar and do not mind the weather. Without the tools necessary to make the second climb and unable to see those pesky critters, I look at that second peak wonder how the heck I am going to make the climb without falling off the cliff. I can look behind me, smile, and see that I successfully conquered one peak. So, I know I can do it. The question is how many more peaks do I have to climb before climbing becomes second nature.

There are miracles all around us...

I can close my eyes and see all the events that are not a result of coincidence or luck. I am thinking of my aunt who survived a near fatal accident a month ago and was singing and praising God at our recent family reunion. Another miracle -- the birth of my niece - who against all odds survived a high risk surgery and now is being cradled in the arms of her mother. Or admiring the strength and fortitude of my dear cousins who are grieving the loss of their father and mother. In spite of these events, they are real testimonies of God's hand and presence in the mist of tragedy. John's childhood friend and college roommate also remains on my mind. Although he is unable to physically walk, he moves in other ways. The burns and bodily damage that he experienced was enough to kill any average person, but his faith in God is the "fuel" that ignites his presence. It is also inspiring to witness the faith and love of his wife and child as they remain strong and steadfast during challenging times. There are miracles all around us...there are miracles all around me.

If I am not careful, it is so easy to take God's presence and the miraculous wonders He orchestrates every day for granted. I just thank God for mainfesting Himself to me and others on a daily basis.

And she received a paycheck!

Praise the Lord! Last Saturday, I received my first paycheck! You may ask what I did with my earnings?! Church tithe and offerings, rent, credit card bills, moving expenses debt, car loan payment, and the first of ten loan payments to my parents for car repairs. The good news...my car is officially mine! It's nice to own something!

It has been one month since I began my job at Indiana University. I am so happy to be gainfully employed. The campus is beautiful even in the mist of hot and humid weather. I also enjoy the flexibility of my postdoc assignment. I am able to create my own research agenda. One challenge of academia is it is very lonely. It will be interesting to see how I navigate through this world and be able to produce products to place on my curriculum vitae. I am struggling with juggling so many writing projects, but I pray that God will help me with prioritization and time management. If someone asked me if I plan to stay in academia, I would say "no" as of today. As I progress through my postdoc, I may change my mind. I saw see how I feel about academia next month.

But right now, I will just bask in the joy and excitement of receiving a paycheck!

Goodwill Hunting

I spent the last several days in Greenville, SC with Mom and Pops. It's amazing how the little things in life make me smile... laying in the bed and daydreaming as I stare at the ceiling (I did not realize how dirty ceilings can be); spending hours on the internet browsing Yahoo! so I can stay current on entertainment news (Way to play that guitar, Sandra Bullock. You rock!); and sneaking in extra minutes to run around the track or neighborhood. Regardless of what I do, I truly enjoy my freedom. I really believe that PhD means, praise Him daily. Thank you, God, because that is what I have been doing since May 19th!

Coming home is always nice. This time, I really paid attention and observed Mom’s routine. One hobby that Mom has made part of her routine is daily visits to the Goodwill Store. I am amazed at Mom's excitement as she is one of the serious shoppers (a.k.a. vultures) lined up in the early morning hours ready to find the latest item to add to her humble abode. Every time I come home, it is amazing how Mom has redecorated her house with all the cool stuff that she gets from Goodwill. I mean it is really nice! You would think that she shops at Pier One or Bed, Bath, and Beyond. I tell you the deals are great at Goodwill. I am impressed. I really feel that Mom should buy stock in Goodwill. She would clean up!

Speaking of cleaning up, one reason I came home was to collect household items that I left with Mom and Dad over 4 years before departing for Alaska. I know...so sad. I also realized that I had to make room for Mom as she continues to feed her Goodwill Store addiction.
As I was going through my stuff, I thought of having a garage sale. However, Mom recommended that I boxed the items that I did not want and take them to Goodwill. At first, I hesitated. The Lord knows that I need some extra cash to pay the bills until that first paycheck hits my checking account. I was pressed for time and I was not in the mood to organize a garage sale. Mom then mentioned two magical words that made me an instant fan of Goodwill...TAX WRITE-OFF!


So, off I went. I gathered stuffed animals, clothes, kitchen supplies, and dining/living room knick knacks. Before I knew it, I have several boxes labeled and was ready to drive to Goodwill. It was also a nice thought that a child, and even an adult, would find usefulness from things that I really did not need anymore. Most importantly, I was cleansing myself of unnecessary clutter and will be credited by Uncle Sam and the Lord. The Lord? Well...I can't take it with me when I leave this Earth. So, I felt God smiling at me because tax write-off or not, it was still difficult to part ways with some of my most precious items. And I was able to do it! So, yay!, for me!


Well...where does the goodwill hunting come in? So, one thing that I discovered about donating to Goodwill is that it can be quite addicting. There is a slight twist for me in making Goodwill shopping a hobby...something that I like to call Goodwill hunting. While Mom likes to visit the store daily and buy items (no doubt...great bargains), I discovered my new hobby…trying to find ways of giving away items in an effort to de-clutter. I had so much fun giving away my stuff that I was ready to move to the advance stages of giving things away other people’s belongings. I really do think it was an act of goodwill in the fact that Mom and Dad had items tucked away in the garage for years. So, as Pops and I were loading up my U-HAUL trailer with things that did not make it to Goodwill, we began to reorganize the garage and found things from 1969 that definitely could be on the shelf of a Goodwill Store.

Dad would give me a box and I created a catalog of items to send to Goodwill. Mom reluctantly stood in the garage watching us pile items to send to Goodwill. My Dad would ask, "Priscilla, I have these tennis shoes without shoestrings that I do not wear. I would quickly chime in, "Give it to Goodwill." "Hey," Dad said, “how about this battery charger.” "Goodwill, Dad." "I got this ruler." "Goodwill Store, pack it!" The words, Goodwill, were rolling off my mouth like butter that I think Mom needed to take another dose of her blood pressure pills as she continued to look at us thinking that we lost our minds. Particularly since I had the “balls” to take the lead in giving away her stuff :-) There were times in the three hours that we were in the garage that it got intense. "John, you better stop playing and put that back!" Mom sounded like a cat that just finishing battling for the last piece of catnip! All and all, it was a good day to goodwill hunt. Even Mom could not help, but smile as she began to see some of the walls in the garage that had been hiding for years!

Goodwill hunting...I think I will continue to do it since I am right around the corner from a Goodwill store in Bloomy Bloom. It's not only good for tax purposes, but it is good for the soul (and my closets!).

P.S. And yes, John and Curtis, we gave away some of your old clothes, too. Dad and I did, however, keep your Donatos shirt (John) and basketball jerseys (John and Curtis).

What's it worth...?

Jessica, my sister in law, posted an idea that may inspire me to approach the New Year in an unique way," choose one little word to inspire [you] through out the year." Instead of feeling pressure or unsuccessful in achieving resolutions (which I have not done since I was 17), this approach may be just what I need to jumpstart my efforts in improving my perspective of physical, spiritual, professional, and social life. So...it's WORTH a try!

Yes...my 'one little word' is worth. Why did I select the word...because it was the first word that popped up in my head. Or perhaps in the past couple of weeks, my thoughts have centered around my motivation (material, monetary, or other reasons) in how I live my life.

Education, for obvious reasons to my family and friends who know me well, is of extreme worth and ranks high on my list. I credit my mom and dad for the achievements that I made in education because it was something that was of high value to them. Coming from humble beginnings, my parents always believed that education ensures a better life...personally and financially. To this day, this is still their belief. I agree with them to an extent. Perhaps my view is more complex. Personally, I think that there are two types of education....education in school and education outside of school. By going to college, graduate school, traveling and living in different parts of the U.S., and being exposed to different people has challenged my perspectives about life. Financially, I have discovered that education costs A LOT of money and I can only hope, through delayed gratification, to eventually reap the benefits. Being in a helping profession has a different worth that most of the time is not seen or experienced financially. I can only hope that my perspective of the financial worth of education will change over time.

Getting a PhD (before I had any knowledge of the pain associated in getting a doctoral degree) has multiple points of worth. I wanted to better position myself to help people more freely, make a larger contribution to society by teaching and doing research, and interact with different professionals in ways that my Masters did not allow (people respond differently when you have Dr. before your first name). I can only hope that the worth that I placed in getting the PhD meets or far exceeds my expectations. If these expectations are not met, how will I then assess the worth of PhD? Was it worth it...?

Well...one thing is apparent. I place a lot of worth on what I get out of going through a situation or process, which places me in the majority. I am sure the majority of the population lots at worth in that manner. But let me consider joining the minority that looks at worth from the perspective of learning something new (good or painful) as they go through the journey. I have exposed myself to new people, places, perspectives while learning to accept things about myself that I can better, and things that need to remain the same whether people like it or not.

I look foward to further exploring my motivations through this 'one little word' journey. Won't you travel with me...?