Stumbling blocks and time to re-evaluate...

It was a rough day. I really thought that it was my time to learn how to swim and I am really trying to remain positive. My instructor was very frustrated with me. He did not say as much, but I know the tell-tell signs...constant blowing, irritatation in the voice followed by long periods of silence, disinterest in teaching me and watching others in the pool, and the final sign...not following me while I swim to ensure that I do not sink. A big no-no! I responded in a calm manner. When I got to the other end of the pool, I asked if we could cut the lesson short at which he abrupted stated, "Yes!" He quickly put on his goggles and began swimming without saying a word. I waited until he arrived back to my end of the pool, but he ignored me and kept swimming his laps. Since he appeared to ignore me, I left the pool and went into the locker room. I tried to hold back my tears, but I could not.

Again, another failed attempt at swimming. There's something about the third lesson when instructors feel that I do not have the potential to swim. This is the third time that I frustrated an instructor, but I was honest up front. People cannot not seem to understand my fear of water. This time, I TRY really hard! I checked out swimming books at the library, watched YouTube videos on swimming, googled every active swim site, and practiced at least 3 times a week. I just don't know what else to do. I tried to fight the nightmares that I would have 1-2 days prior to my lesson. My fear of swimming is so deep in my mind that it was and will continue to be tough for me to master a basic float.

It's ironic! I felt a little hopeful after my pratice at the pool yesterday. I kicked, put my face in the water, leaned back into the float position...I went into the lesson today showing the instructor the back float that I worked on during the week. To no avail, his reaction to the rest of the lesson was very insulting. I am sure that he feels that I do not listen to him, but I do not think that he understands that it takes me QUITE a bit of time for me to get something right. I am an intelligent person as he began to patronize me, but intelligence has nothing to do with it. My fear of water is deeply rooted and more than I realized. I guess he also did not like the fact that I could not trust him. He lied to me in the first lesson...you cannot lie to a student...saying that we will not go to the deep end when we did. He push my limits to the point of discomfort, so as a result, it was hard for me to trust him. He just moved too fast.

I talked with my parents and to make a long story short...I have not learned to keep my mouth shut. The last thing I should have done was talk to my parents who rarely try anything new, but are quick to judge me for taking the matter so personally. At least, I attempted to conquer my fear and was honest about the day's events. I keep forgetting that most people only want you to care about their concerns, not the other way around...I am sure that they were trying to help, but it added that extra dose of sting that reminds you that the "wound" still needs some antiseptic :-)

The positive results of this short stint of swimming is that I never thought I would stay in water for a hour. I used the "boogie board" and kicked up and down the pool regardless if the kick was incorrect. I did a back float for about 5 seconds and on my own put my face in the water. I read my swimming books at night and put forth my best effort. Perhaps my downfall is trying to learn too many new things as it ended up being a bit stressful. Nevertheless, I put my best feet foward.

I am still processing the day's event and continue to shed a few tears because of the ambivalence that accompany what happened. I plan to go to the pool, but will re-evaluate my timeline...The gold nugget triathlon will have to wait.